Dealing with Toxic People
And the crazy-making chaos surrounding them.
Toxic people can be unbearably frustrating for ANYONE. But to someone with ADHD, it can’t get much worse than a toxic personality coming in and spreading their slimy tentacles and stink all over everything. This, I know for sure.
In my quest to figure out what was wrong with ME (since I was miserable and seemed to be the ONLY one who was), I got a whole lot more than I bargained for! Along with my exhaustive research on ADHD, I also learned how to survive swimming in shark-infested waters while holding a chum bucket. I learned the ins and outs of narcissism. Because I had to. I’m not here to diagnose anyone with anything. I have no rights, nor credentials. But I know what I lived through, and my thorough research on narcissism helped me figure out how to survive my own situation. The picture I paint in this article is based on what I experienced, but in a more vague tone so you can insert your own toxic nemesis and still have it make sense. We need to protect ourselves.
Let’s be realistic. No toxic individual – including those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) – is likely to go to a doctor to ask for help because everyone they know hates them and thinks they’re evil. Thus, I’m going to simply refer to these people as “toxic” - a blanket description of sorts, since it’s frowned upon to toss out an actual disorder like NPD without rights/creds. So “toxic” it will be. This isn’t as much about THEM (toxics) as it is about those of us who have to deal with them.
As a failure hater, I had a really hard time walking away vs. continuing CPR on my dead soul. The more I tried, the more damage I had to overcome. For starters, I was married to Mr. Toxic (see Alone vs. Lonely vs. Independent, for a glimpse into why it’s VITAL to protect yourself and your personal information from someone toxic.)
An ADHDer likes to please. We like to take care of people. Toxic people love ADHDers and other people-pleasers…because they like to be taken care of. Can you see where this is going? I was surrounded by toxic people for YEARS. It was like I threw a party for them and they all came and left as they pleased! I KNOW I have piles of issues. But what I didn’t know, was these power-hungry party-goers have zero intentions of playing fair at any point. I finally had a huge revelation: When someone tries to control me, things start tumbling downhill. The more I lose control over my own life and decisions, the more miserable I’m gonna be! I do not want to be controlled by someone else! And when it happens (or they try), my downward spiral starts looking more like a raging landslide. And I’ll be at the bottom of it, with my suit of armor crushed to bits. I’ll pass, thanks.
I have indicator lights that I had never actually paid attention to until about three years ago, when my grocery-getter hooptie and I were on the Highway to Hell (otherwise known as my divorce.) My indicator lights come in the form of weight gain, high blood pressure, drinking at all hours of the day, the need to eat fries and anything that contains carbs for every meal, chewing my nails all to hell, my hair falling out, napping, feeling listless and out-of-sorts, and losing the desire or ability to do anything I used to enjoy. I stop loving myself, my life, and everything in it. And even crazier…I will not be able to explain exactly why that is. Meet Depression.
How I have not noticed the blazing red lights on the dashboard no one in their right mind could have possibly missed, I have no idea. Wait. I do know. I was too damn hopeful, thinking maybe I could fix things, and too wrecked to do anything about ANY of them! Insert my revelation. I lost who I was because I was trying to adapt and over-compensate to “fit in” among the toxic people I surrounded myself with. That didn’t work! They somehow thought they could change who I am. I cannot be nasty and happy at the same time! Destroying someone else and their livelihood is not, nor will it EVER be something I’m OK doing, nor do I feel like I have any right to change someone. Toxic people will not hesitate. I had to come to grips with the fact that I cannot positively influence, convince, or “fix” these people, nor the burning buildings and rubble they leave behind in their wake. I just need to stay away from them.
So what makes a toxic person tick?
There’s most likely varying degrees of “toxicity” surrounding individuals in question, but the bottom line is this: Toxic people want control. They need, thrive, and survive on control, and they siphon their fuel “supply” from other people like a gas thief. There are only two options – they’re either the hero or the victim. They get their control - and kicks - by controlling others and situations where they can insert themselves to be the “hero”. Toxic people are NEVER the villains…except that’s ALL they actually are. There is nothing in-between. NOTHING will satisfy them for very long. It’s not possible. Even worse? They truly don’t believe they have a problem. To them, it’s everyone else. They’re always the victim when they’re not in first place.
Toxic individuals will steal your credit for themselves, they’ll claim your work/ideas/successes/[fill in the blank] as theirs, they’ll sabotage your dreams/hopes/plans/work/[fill in the blank], they’ll turn your own people against you, and then they’ll blame you for all of it. The more people they can turn against you…the better. It’s YOUR problem and you’re the one who’s crazy. And they’re absolutely right. It IS your problem in so many ways…and crazy-making is what they do best. They’ll “gaslight” you until you question your own sanity. You’re not losing it.
Like those with ADHD, toxic individuals can also feel out of sorts and wonder if the grass is greener somewhere else. That’s figure-outable for ADHDers! We may be people pleasers, but we’re also kind and compassionate. We just need to do something we enjoy to bring on that feeling of elation. There’s lots of green grass to be found! But for a toxic personality, the grass isn’t greener on the other side for very long - especially when Mr. Toxic keeps spraying Roundup on everyone else’s lawn in the middle of the night. Even though his lawn is riddled with crab grass, weeds, brown spots, gopher holes, and a horrific mite problem, at least his lawn’s gonna look better than your dead lawn! Plus, he got a serious bonus when he got to watch you become the laughing stock of the neighborhood after a few really nasty rumors he spread about you. (This might be when the FOR SALE sign goes up.)
Toxic individuals have self esteem issues and exist in a miserable, unhappy world built on power trips and deception. They tell lies to cover up their other lies, and their Wild West world is this twisted train wreck of bizarre happenings that seem to be spiraling out of control! If it’s not one thing, it’s something else! At least for everyone who’s caught on or is close to them. They especially love sympathy. But watch out…there’s a snake in the grass - a great, big venomous one. DO NOT let it bite you. They will claim they hate drama, yet it seeps out of their pores like garlic. You can smell them coming from miles away.
Things are bad, but at least you have each other, right? WRONG. This is how “trauma bonding” works in relationships with these awful people - or at least that’s what they’re banking on. You are ON YOUR OWN, and chances are good, the metaphorical mafia is looking for additional ways to take you, your family, your friends, and everything you know and love…down. Toxic individuals seek as much “supply” as they can get their hands on and everything you tell them in confidence…will be filed away to be used against you later. They’re antsy, bored, and eagerly looking for fresh supply at all times and it does not matter what or who they need to destroy to get it. If they can’t find victims, they’ll keep looking. And they’ll be on their best behavior.
If you have traits or something they like or can find useful, you’re in. You’re like the trophy. They’ll make you feel valuable and wanted. They’ll “love bomb” you until you fall for their lies. It will all happen very fast, too – they cannot risk taking too much time, as something might tip you off and ruin their chances of tagging you like wild game. They will always be on the hunt for fresh prey, which means they won’t hesitate to bring more victims to the party. Except these victims won’t know they’re victims, either. They’re the people you’re cheated on with, or are used for “triangulation” to make you jealous. There are probably a few of those, along with a few “flying monkeys” in their back pockets – the people they send in as their sales reps.
If it’s not people they can control for their dopamine fix, it’ll be vices of some sort, like various addictions or harmful, erratic behaviors (drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, etc.) The damage my ex-husband caused ME from his secret gambling addiction (I had NO IDEA!) was WAY past anything I thought imaginable.
Watch the TV series Yellowstone? Once you have nothing left to give (or they find a richer supply), they will dump you off at “the train station” so fast you won’t know what happened. You’ll be left alone, naked, and in a field with no phone or essentials…while wolves and turkey vultures circle eagerly, waiting for your demise. This is the “discard phase.” Next thing you know, you have no idea what happened, and you’ll never get closure for ANY of it. Closure is nice. And these toxic individuals will ensure you don’t get any - much like a fatal car accident. You’re going to need to get your closure in other ways. Reading things like this…is one of them. You’re not alone.
Beware of “hoovering” - yeah, like the vacuum. That’s when they do something sweet and nice (or act like it) to suck you right back in so they can finish you off in epic fashion. There will most likely be a few rounds of this. Usually it’s because they haven’t located their next victim yet, and they need to buy themselves a little more time. IF you can even get an apology for anything in the first place, I can assure you it’s merely lip service. It’s only to keep you hanging on… Just when you think you’ve had all you can take, they’ll lay on the love nice and thick like frosting on a cake. Except it’s not sweet. And that’s precisely when you’ll fall right back into the quicksand. As predicted.
These people lack empathy. They cannot put themselves in your shoes, nor do they care to see your point of view. They’re not actually capable. They’ll give you the illusion that they’re just what you need, until they’re making you dig your own grave in the backyard - another metaphor…hopefully. It’s not if, it’s WHEN. And you won’t see it coming. Nor will you know what to do about it. I know. I’ve been there. It’ll feel like you may never get rid of all the mud! I STILL keep finding stuff I need to hose down from the aftermath!
These people are literal parasites. If you have something they want, they’ll work hard to get it, and they’re masterful! And that means pretending to be nice – something they decidedly are NOT – by telling you everything you want to hear to “win” you over. People who meet them may like them (at first.) Again, they’ll be on their best behavior! They’ll be cool, fun, romantic, and they will like everything you like, so they can take everything you like. That’s until you start to get confused because things aren’t adding up quite right. The signs are there, but you won’t readily see them. The facade needs to break down a little more before it gets obvious enough – and that could take years. By that point, it’ll be too late and you’ll be too weak to do anything about it. They will have stolen your power without you knowing. And you will not be getting your life back without a literal War of the Worlds fight with the horrific “smear campaign” they’re about to launch against you. Like my divorce. You can only fail at trying to make things work for so long. Often times, victims stick it out because it’s easier than trying to get away. I got away. I am a survivor.
If you find yourself with a toxic person, or someone who was actually diagnosed with narcissism (highly unlikely, but we can’t say that word otherwise), things WILL get bad. It’s not if…it’s when. They will put on an entertaining show until they can no longer tolerate the script they have to memorize for the Oscar they’re trying to win. YOU will be afraid to tell other people what’s going on because YOU will be the one who sounds crazy! YOU will fall into their sticky web of lies, manipulation, and devaluation while they drool in wild anticipation. YOU going down…means victory for them. You put up a fight, and they’ll make YOU pay. To them, it’s literally that simple.
PROTECT YOURSELF. Also that simple.
I also must mention that it IS apparently possible for a narcissist (clinical terms here) to have ADHD…but there’s lots more research that needs to be done with that one, as there are lots of overlapping traits (which is why I’m mentioning it). But narcissists have VERY different motives! I’ll let the professionals deal with that one. If it were up to me, narcissists could be diagnosed from the abuse they dole out to their victims, NOT by some personality quiz they’ll lie on. That does victims absolutely ZERO good and we need all the help we can get!
I am so glad you got out, Kim! You are a survivor informing and inspiring others to do the same! 💪