As an ADHDer, I’ve never felt like I fit in anywhere. I can’t put my finger on WHY, because there’s not an actual reason. But with the new year upon me, and after a thought-provoking conversation with my friend about this whole thing, I decided it’s worth exploring. These terms – alone, lonely, and independent – no longer run together for me. I’m on a Closure Quest of sorts after a few years of puddle jumping. Maybe it’s a sliver of hope. That’s one thing I now have. HOPE. What a pretty word.
Loneliness is a brutal emotion, and often times, it needs some kind of an intervention. But does being alone and independent fuel the fire of loneliness? Are they related? What’s the difference between being alone, lonely, and/or independent? Let’s start with basic definitions.
Alone
This refers to the state of being by oneself, without other people around. It's a physical state and doesn't necessarily involve any feelings of sadness or lack. Being alone can be a choice and sometimes a desired state, like when someone needs time to think, create, or unwind.
Lonely
This is an emotional state that can occur when someone feels isolated or disconnected from others, even if they are in a crowd. Loneliness is about the perception of a lack of meaningful social connections or the absence of companionship and can lead to feelings of sadness or anxiety.
Independent
This is more about self-sufficiency and autonomy. It describes a person's ability to make decisions and perform tasks on their own without needing help from others. Independence is often seen as a positive trait, denoting strength and confidence.
Now, for my personal and practical interpretations based on my experiences. I feel like I’m about to confess my deepest, darkest secrets! Don’t worry - nothing here is going to make you need to read this with a flashlight under the covers.
I grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere Montana. I spent SO MUCH TIME by myself. My brother was busy helping Dad with farm stuff while I was responsible for the house. Mom was in town at work. I got used to being by myself. I was alone - and certainly independent if you were to ask my dad. I hiked and collected various things for my random collections. I sanded and painted the exterior of the entire house. I kept myself entertained. Sure, we went to school in town (14 miles away - including the mile to the mailbox) with other kids, but there weren’t exactly a lot of options for social circles in my entire high school (grades 9-12) of 28 people. (That’s NOT in thousands, nor are digits missing.) I can say with absolute certainty that I am well-versed when it comes to being alone. I knew I was alone. All I had to do was look around! It was pretty obvious! But was I lonely, too? The thought didn’t occur to me. My brain was so busy hashing out my goals and dreams that I didn’t have time to feel lonely! But my life in solitude (whether I liked it or not) shaped who I am today.
I knew I was independent. No manuals are necessary when it comes to learning how to do stuff. (Not that I’d waste my time reading a manual in the first place.) And as a kid, asking my dad how to do something was about as desirable as having a crocodile for a pet. Whatever it was…I figured it out by myself. If no one complained or was looking for me, then all was well! I was also on the basketball team, track team, student council, honor society, drama club, and anything else that someone would toss my way. But I knew I wanted more – people and opportunities. And less snow.
I moved to San Diego after college. I got a “foot-in-the-door” job in retail and I LOVED it. I was also really good at it - all I had to do was talk to people - then ring them up! My new friends and I had an absolute blast, closing up shop then hitting the town like the rockstars we thought we were. Years passed, friendships changed, jobs changed, priorities changed…but you know what? I LOVED being in California. The land of the living where there were things to do and people to see - and I didn’t have to do any of it in the snow! I guess I was technically alone, but I was always around someone. I definitely didn’t feel lonely at any point, and I exercised my muscles of independence on a regular basis. Life…was good!
After 18 years of being in California, I met and married the man I loved. Except I married someone who did not love me. He was not capable. He kept who he really was masterfully hidden from me until six months AFTER we got married. That’s when I experienced his first rage (of many.) It was during my marriage that I discovered what actual loneliness feels like. I was married…yet I had never felt more alone - and lonely - in my entire life. It was during my marriage that I also lost my sense of independence as I clamored for connection…to anything…anyone…to no avail.
Simultaneously… After a decade of working two full time jobs – for “the man” AND my own business – I was tired. I found myself consumed by work literally every minute I had when I wasn’t drowning out my sorrows from all my bad life decisions. I was on the layoff list three times, and I gotta tell you…that alone was crippling. I finally took the leap. I broke away to work on my own exclusively. I finally had ONE job like “normal” people! I was desperate to feel like I could finally control my own destiny instead of someone else calling the shots! I was sick of being a puppet! I was terrified, but I did it! And it felt GOOD.
At least it did for a while. At that point, I was working alone (physical state) and I was happy about that. At the same time, I was still undeniably lonely (emotional state), and I was on a self-help quest to relocate my independence because I didn’t actually know where that whole part of me went. It was GONE. If I defended myself or asked too many questions, it got ugly. I kept my mouth shut…
Except to my TalkSpace therapist/doctor - which I paid for myself. That poor woman heard it ALL on a near-daily basis, as I chatted her eyeballs out in our chatroom. I was too ashamed to talk to anyone else, and my husband made it VERY clear that I was not to discuss “our business" with anyone. So I didn’t. My therapist became my really expensive BFF. And for her, I’m thankful. My conversations with her kept me grounded and validated – and I felt LESS lonely. She told me she looked forward to my “vastly entertaining” messages. At least someone looked forward to my messages! I appreciated her honesty and perceived friendship. It really lightened my mood.
Then… Covid happened.
My business skidded to a halt, along with the rest of the world. Panic set in, I had contingency plans as to what to do when there was no toilet paper to be found, and I got my affairs in order. I was stuck at home. With my husband. Alone, lonely, codependent, and in very poor health at that point. I did not even recognize the shell of myself I had become. That’s when my life really took a turn for the worst. I found myself with a maniacal stalker on my hands. That stalker…was my husband.
I had gotten a prenup - which is the ONLY thing I *might* have done right. We didn’t share a single account, yet the mystique must have eaten him alive. He snooped through my computer and must have found my (password-protected) password spreadsheet open…and then he started accessing my accounts (credit cards, bank accounts, Amazon, etc.) on his own devices - including my confidential TalkSpace chatroom. I had NO IDEA. (I later got absolute proof of his access, thanks to TalkSpace tech support. He would have also read the phrase, “I hate my husband” precisely 68 times in the 3 years of messages to my therapist. Oops.)
All I knew…was somehow, he knew EVERYTHING. My hopes, dreams, fears, insecurities, complaints, confessions…and every hotel I booked on my quest to find myself again, restaurant I ate at, or self-help class I purchased! He said his (deceased) mom came to him in his dreams and told him “about the horrible things I said about him to my friends”. How could that be when I barely talked to anyone?! The worst was, “I’m on a [Navy] warship, Kim. If I want to know what you’re up to, what you’re spending your money on, or who you’re talking to, I’ll find out.” He kept that promise. At that point, not only was I alone and lonely…but I was also afraid.
It took me WAY longer than it should have, but I eventually did something I had a HUGE problem with. I admitted FAILURE, reeled in my fear, and chose to love myself over anyone else for the very first time in my life. I filed for divorce. It was the absolute worst experience of my life, but it was the first step toward relocating my independence and my SOUL, which were on life support. There were plane crashes, train derailments, devastating earthquakes, tsunamis, destructive tornadoes, floods with mudslides, rat infestations, armed muggings, and horrific pile-ups on the freeway every hour for almost two years as I fought desperately for the freedom he didn’t want me to have! But I made it to the other side.
I’m the happiest I’ve been in a decade. I have worked REALLY hard to recover from my trauma. I got my health back and then some! My poor body somehow gave me a do-over after years of damage! My friends are all still around, and I’ve made so many more! I no longer feel lonely, and I am happily alone. I have a cat. He’s the worst conversationalist ever, but he’s happy I’m here. I also found my independence again. Dad was right. I need to feel independent to be fulfilled. I have no problem going to a restaurant or bar alone. I like it because it forces me out of my comfort zone. Give me a few minutes - I’ll find someone to talk to! I can strike up a conversation with my burger if I have to. I LOVE traveling by myself because I WANT to meet people. I want to experience culture and new things. It makes me tick.
Thanks to all this hashing, I NOW see how far I’ve come! I wasn’t expecting that!
Alone, for me, is not a negative. It’s a positive. I need alone time. I’m not ashamed to be alone. I like being alone and I embrace being alone, and that’s how I have learned SO much about myself. No distractions. No peanut gallery.
I’m no longer lonely. I’m not sitting here feeling empty and pathetic! I have things to do and people I can talk to anytime I need a lift. I’m confident in that. And oh does it feel good! I no longer think about it! That’s progress.
Being independent is similar to being alone. It’s not a negative! It’s good to be self-sufficient and have the confidence to stand tall on my own two feet! I’m very independent. It’s hard for me to admit this, but I now realize I cannot be independent ALL the time. It’s not healthy, and it’s plain as day. This…is huge!
The most important things I learned? Depending on someone else for my own happiness - or anything else for that matter - on a continual basis isn’t healthy. It’s codependency. I somehow became a codependent. I also learned that sometimes I need to ask for help! Asking for help does not mean I’m going to turn into some weak-ass codependent! I used to think it did. Sometimes that strategic ask…can be a game changer! Or a life saver. It was for me. And getting bullied and manipulated into submission while being insulted to my core and called every name in the book didn’t exactly build confidence. That’s how I lost my independence. I tried SO hard to fix things I absolutely could not fix.
I fear there are a lot of lonely people out there. People like the woman I was. The bottom line is this: We all need people. We all need love, support, and connection to like-minded individuals who share similar interests, values, and experiences. If you’re experiencing feelings of loneliness, please find someone to talk to. Surround yourself with the people you’d like to be connected to. People like you. BE one of those people for OTHER people!! Share stories, laugh, cry, experience kindness and honesty, and maybe (just maybe!) you’ll find a new friend. You never know where it’ll lead. If you’re vulnerable and respectful, chances are good you’ll get the same thing in return. At least that has been my experience.
We all need to find a place where we can FEEL like we fit in. I ask myself every day what that might look like, because that’s now the one thing I have not figured out. That…is where my next chapter will begin, but I’m still writing the prologue. This year…I’m going to take the time to find the place I seek. I’m not sure if it exists, but I’m going to remain positive that it does. I LOVE having something to look forward to…with WILD anticipation! I’m not going to rush it. Instead, I’m going to take my time and enjoy life. There’s lots more to come! Stay tuned.
***IMPORTANT NOTE***
IF you are in a relationship with a toxic individual, PLEASE (and I’m BEGGING you here…) PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR INFORMATION. Password protect your passwords with a NEW password you don’t use on anything else, and make sure you enable double authentication on EVERYTHING (I didn’t have that option at the time). Change device passcodes regularly, change the passwords to accounts you use most often, and be VERY aware when unlocking your device(s) when the individual is present. Trust me - they’re watching and waiting for you to slip up. Find a hiding place for any important papers you have. I don’t care if it’s the neighbor’s house! These people are dying to take over your life and everything you know and love about yourself. And they will. It happened to me.
Even worse…my divorce attorney didn’t find ANY of it problematic. Neither did his.
In case you’re wondering…he’s now stationed in Hawaii - five hours out in the middle of the Pacific with his new wife and her family. Not my circus.
There is such power in these distinctions. Thank you, Kim! Keep writing!